Trying to move forward can be so difficult sometimes.
Especially when I’m not even sure about what is the right thing to do.
I’ve never had these sorts of problems in my life before, and I just can’t figure out how to get around it without causing too much pain to myself or others.
I saw a killer whale in the ocean today and it was the coolest thing.
This is by far one of the most important things I’ve seen on tumblr because It describes things I was not able to
Tonight at church we looked at Psalm 88. It’s a passage that was written by a person that was totally downhearted, discouraged.
”You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?”
Reading it and hearing it, I felt like I had been there. There was a long period of time where I just felt so abandoned. By people, by my God, I just didn’t understand why I had to go through all of that pain and rejection.
But tonight, I felt so much joy.
For now, I am past that.
I no longer feel like a passage such as Psalm 88 is speaking into my current situation. What an incredible feeling it was to have that realisation. Of course I still have struggles and problems that overwhelm me, but I am no longer in that state of what felt like constant despair. I am no longer crying in my room by myself. I am no longer held down by that lie that no one wants to be around me. I know seasons come and go (especially for a person with anxiety), but I just want to appreciate this feeling.
For me, 2014 is/has been beyond amazing.
Tonight I was able to really see and feel the change within myself (Going to Fiji for mission was absolutely incredible but I’m sure I’ll get to writing about how that changed me another time). But on a larger scale, things are just so different to last year.
(I hope this isn’t too boastful) but tonight I was just showered with encouragement and appreciation and it really made my heart feel so full. I had people that I don’t even talk to tell me that they honestly spend time in prayer thanking God for me. I had friends say they were proud of me, that they are glad that they know me, and that I genuinely brought joy into their lives. I had friends saying that they could see the change too.
I completely believe that this shift is a testament to the way that God has worked through me. I went from being angry and ignoring God, to honestly giving my pain over to him and seeking his will. I’ve been trying to focus on me less, and look to how I can serve God or other people. I’m nowhere near perfect at it, but when I look at the past few months, that choice being made is the point when it all changed. Everything that is happening, it is not at all of my own power. I cannot save myself. I fully believe that this is Him.
"Humble yourself before the Lord and he will lift you up."
"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”
He hasn’t taken away my pain, but He has given me strength and confidence far beyond whatever I expected. And there’s still so much of this journey to go. Wow. I’m just so blessed.
I know these views and ideas don’t make sense to everybody, that’s alright. I just really felt like I needed to write this down (questions about it/God/anything are always welcome).
Bitch, dont you “previously on…” me. I have been watching this show for 5 hours. I know what happened.
Got some pills, stomach is on the mend.
Can’t stop the enduring pain of total insecurity though.